I'll walk with you

I remember one night laying in bed in my freshman dorm room. I was fantasizing getting hit by a car. It was my first experience with suicidal ideation but it didn’t take me by surprise. At the time, existing in a body that I believed was fat and unacceptable was absolutely not worth it. I wanted to disappear.

I believed that my body was at best, flawed, and at worst, disgusting and unlovable. I had picked up on that message over years of swimming in diet culture-infested waters. Ballet, the media, shows like The Biggest Loser and diet trends like Whole30 sent the message loud and clear: thin is better, beautiful, and more worthy of love and acceptance.

It took 4 years to unravel that belief system in my brain and chip away at the layers and layers of shame that had buried me for so long. Even 4 years later when I pressed “publish” to share my eating disorder story publicly, I wondered if I would be loved and accepted.

I guess after experiencing that night in my dorm room, I never want anyone to feel that kind of pain.

But chances are that tonight, somewhere, there is an LGBTQ+ kid laying in bed. They’re wanting to disappear and they’re fantasizing ways to make it happen. They believe that existing in their queer body isn’t worth it.

They believe that their identity or orientation makes them at best, weird and out of place and at worst, disgusting, unworthy, and unacceptable. They’ve picked up on the messages— homophobic comments at school, misguided comments from church members calling it a “choice” and a “struggle”— and they wonder if they will ever belong or if they would ever be accepted for who they are if people knew.

They desperately want to fit into the mold that’s been associated with happiness and success: a heterosexual relationship between a man and a woman sealed together in the temple with children. Kind of like I desperately wanted to fit into the mold of a thinner body. They may even be trying to will themselves to “change” and fit into that mold. Kind of like I punished myself trying to lose weight.

Studies show that all it takes is one accepting adult to decrease the risk of an LGBTQ+ kid attempting suicide by 40%.

What would tonight look like for them if they had a friend, parent, sibling, or leader by their bed to tell them that who they are is okay and what they feel is valid? What if someone was there to tell them that they are unconditionally loved by Heavenly Parents and unconditionally accepted by their family and friends? I know what that would’ve meant to me that night in my dorm room.

Whether or not you’re concerned about the message delivered at BYU on Monday, I hope you’re concerned about the effect that it had on some of your LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. I know a few and I saw them hurting and in pain. Rather than defend doctrine to them, I’m going to (figuratively) sit by their bed tonight and mourn with them.

I’ll walk with you, I’ll talk with you, that’s how I’ll show my love for you.

ps. my old apartment had rainbows like this appear almost every day on different parts of the walls/doors in the living room. I considered them little love notes to my LGBTQ+ friends. Sending you a love note tonight, my friends 🌈✊🏼❤️