never ever alone

I love this picture. 

I love the yellow & purple shades / the backdrop of mountains / the clouds / the grasses that look tangibly soft. 

But I also like how I'm alone with it all. 

  I feel like if there was one picture that symbolically depicted my life right now, it would be this picture.

I love the fact that I'm on my own right now.

I get to experience the challenges and the joys of this journey, make the decisions, and grow through it all. 

It's this unique era when my family is hundreds of miles away, and I don't yet have one of my own. I'm just alone. 

But if you get past the fact that I'm the only person in the picture, you'll see that I'm surrounded; 

There is an expanse of beauty surrounding me, and it's invigorating.  

I like to think of my surroundings as all the little things that bless my life: 

the temple / talking with friends / music / fall leaves / studying the scriptures / fresh gala apples / clean laundry / finished essays / skype dates with my family / chilled Provo mornings / halloween costumes / ballet / letters to missionaries / sundays / warm scarves. 

These tender mercies are everywhere, reminding me how much I'm not alone.

HIS love for me is everywhere. 

This quote pretty much says it better than I ever could: 

"Heavenly Father loves you--each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. It is simply there. It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there." 

By that definition, I am never ever alone. 

Also I started this new habit of posting quotes that I love on my board.

These are things that really really touched me; so much that I stopped and knew they were given directly to me. 

They teach me how to be better, little by little. 

My favorite of the week:

"So whatever challenges you wake up to each morning, remember, with the spiritual strength you develop, coupled with the Lord's help, at the end of the race you will be able to enjoy the confidence that the Apostle Paul expressed: 'For I am now ready...I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.'" {Elder Richard J. Maynes}

Remember. You're going to wake up. You're going to face whatever it is. And you're going to develop personal, spiritual, STRENGTH. Then, with your Heavenly Father, you'll enjoy that confidence that everyone innately desires. 

And you'll realize that you're never ever alone. 

drowning

the quantum model of atoms

marginal economic costs

culture of the roman empire 

drowning. 

twenty two hours of dance.

drowning. 

scattered, rare moments of control 

then pressure closing in from all sides 

and i'm under.  

this week while the population of provo freshmen were getting slathered in blue foam, dancing Friday nights away, and cheering the cougs to victory,

I was in my dorm room

staring at a laptop 

contemplating where to start. 

but then He lets me know that it was never supposed to be easy, and He's not going to take it away, but "all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." {Doctrine & Covenants 122:7} 

everything is going to be okay. 

home

"Hey what's your name?"

"Christine, you?" 

"[insert name I will probably instantaneously forget]" 

"Cool, where are you from?"

"[insert city and state I will definitely instantaneously forget], what about you?" 

"Southern Oregon." 

Now press eternal-repeat on that conversation, and that is my life. 

Don't get me wrong, it's great. It really is.

Someday I'll write up a post about the awesome people I've met here and the things I do and places I go and midterms I'm supposed to be studying for. 

But for now, at 1am on a Saturday morning (!), as my alarm clock goes off in 5 hours, I think I'll google image "Southern Oregon" instead. 

I don't think it's homesickness, I think my love has just been more deeply rooted.  

Next time someone asks me where I'm from, I'm going to say: 

"Southern Oregon, and even though the fall leaves in Utah are gorgeous, I miss it dearly and I just want to take my bike up Roxyann and hike McLoughlin and drive past pear orchards and look out at an expanse of valley and see mountains painted with evergreen and you should really go sometime because it will change your definition of beauty, I promise."