Quarter of a century

I had my whole life planned out as a teenager and that plan largely paralleled my parent’s journey and their timeline as young adults (because they’re the coolest).

If everything had gone according to plan, I’d be married right now with a baby in the backseat of this picture and maybe one more on the way (lol)

But… things rarely go according to plan. And sometimes that sucks.

The first couple heartbreaks I experienced were so hard because it wasn’t just losing my “person,” it was losing a whole future I’d pictured. Double the grief and double the pain.

This wasn’t part of the plan.

I had one of these episodes a few months ago and I was not okay. The relationship was short but long enough and special enough for it to really, really hurt when it ended.

I remember one day at work I was assigned to work on a unit with my pregnant co-worker friend who’s roughly my age. Instantly, I had this sick feeling in my gut. Literally just seeing her 8 1/2 month-along belly reminded me of everything I’d just lost: the potential for falling in love, staying in love, and starting a family.

That shift sucked.

After sitting with this discomfort and grief for a month or so, I decided to take a hiatus from dating. Going on dates had become more triggering than helpful. It reminded me of him, it reminded me of what could have been, and it reminded me that things weren’t going according to plan.

That hiatus turned out to be a really good move for my mental health. I realized that I had been waiting for a relationship to fill unmet needs that I was capable of meeting on my own, already, in the current life I lived.

I asked myself:

What do you think a relationship will give you?

Is any of that possible right here, right now?

Connection.

Validation.

Love.

Learning.

Fulfillment.

Growth.

Fun.

Yes, Christine. It’s all possible—right here, right now.

I’m learning that I’m capable of meeting all of those needs ^^ (with the exception of a baby in the backseat) via connection with family and friends, an exciting new career, a continued journey of discipleship, planning some hella cool trips, dreaming up some big dreams, and finding contentment in just being me.

“You have not missed out on what was meant for you”

If @morganharpernichols' words are true (and all of her words are gospel truth)... then what’s meant for me, right here right now, is already here.

It’s been a quarter of a century.

Things rarely go according to [my] plan

and I’m so glad they don’t.