Meant to be, not made to last

New York City reminds me of heartbreak.

It’s a long story about a short relationship--too short to merit such a long, lingering heartbreak but dating just be like that sometimes.

The day things fell apart is the same day I was going to book a flight to visit him. Timely. I had a tab open on my laptop with all the flight details ready to go, my cursor hovering over “complete booking.”

Well freak, do I still go? The travel dates worked perfectly with my schedule, I was excited to see other dear friends and relive the east coast in the fall... but I wasn’t sure I could stomach it.

Would every subway ride and slice of pizza and couple holding hands in Central Park just exacerbate the sadness and hurt I already felt? We had just broken up. I wanted to be as far away from him as possible--both emotionally and physically--yet I was about to book a flight to the city he had told me so much about and stay at a friend’s apartment two blocks away from his.

I didn’t know if I could do it.

Suddenly, I remembered staring at my laptop two and a half years prior when I had faced a similar gut and heart-wrenching decision, but worse.

I had dated someone during my recruiting season for accounting. Things with him had been going really well--so well that moving to Seattle after graduation didn’t feel as right as it had before. (Graduation was still 2 years down the road but the accounting program really expected us greenies to make life plans that far in advance 🙃) So there we were.

At the time, the most logical assumption was that our relationship would continue on its good, happy trajectory so I decided to recruit in two cities: Seattle, where I had planned to be, and Salt Lake City, where he would be. After a couple months of applications, interviews, and traveling to the firms, I narrowed things down to 2 firms I loved, one in each city.

As it turns out, everything fell apart the week I had to make my internship decision. So timely.

There I was on my couch, laptop open, eyelids swollen from a week of crying, my cursor hovering over the acceptance button of my internship offers. Ironically, even after taking him out of the equation and isolating all the other decision factors, I was still leaning towards the firm in Salt Lake.

But I didn’t know if I could do it.

Would every trax ride and hike up the canyon and couple holding hands around temple square just exacerbate the pain and longing I felt? I wanted to be as far away from him as possible yet I was about to pursue my career in the city closest to him.

I didn’t know if I could do it.

HOW DID WE GET HERE? How was something so good and so fun ending like this? I closed my eyes and transported myself back to that January night when he had knocked on my door for our first date.

“I wish I had never answered the door. I wish I’d never gotten in his car and heard New Light by John Mayer playing in the background and never shared that stupid dessert or talked about Oregon and Jerusalem... I wish I’d never met him.”

That night, there was no way in my mind that it had been meant to be if it wasn’t meant to last. There must have been some mistake along the way--some sign or prompting I had missed that said:

WARNING: DO NOT PROCEED. THIS ROAD ENDS IN HEARTBREAK LIKE YOU’VE NEVER KNOWN.

But I never got a warning sign. Why didn’t I get a warning sign??? I wanted to rewind everything, never answer the door, and spare myself the pain.

Tonight, that’s not how I feel.

Both of those decision points, two years apart, became pivotal moments for me.

I booked the flight to New York and I accepted the offer in Salt Lake. I had the time of my LIFE in New York (the people, the weather, the bagels, the dance party in Brooklyn, I could go on) and I LOVED my internship in Salt Lake (whose coworkers play Secret Hitler every day at lunch??). The cities I had once dreaded because they were punch-in-the-gut reminders of heartbreak became cities I love with beautiful new memories.

I probably would’ve never ended up in either city if it weren’t for those boys. So in a way, I have them to thank, not to mention all the experiences shared and lessons learned during our relationships (heartbreak and all) that shaped my current self.

“We were meant to be, just not made to last.

I don’t wanna keep you waiting,

it’s not as simple as a yes or no, it’s kinda complicated.

But I would leave a 5-star review, ten out of ten,

recommend you to a friend, if I could.

Cause I think you’re the one for someone else

and that sh*t’s hard to say but it’s okay,

you feel the same and I can tell.

It’s hard to leave us in the past

but perfect’s just a lot to ask.

We’re meant to be, not made to last.”

^ this song dropped the DAY BEFORE my trip and I don’t believe in coincidences. Thank you @heythereitsber and @charlieoriain.

It’s hard to admit that your ex is the one for someone else and it’s hard to say goodbye to something you thought was made to last.

But I’ve realized that it can be both.

Both meant to be, and not made to last ❤️