I took a break for a while sharing about my journey with ED (eating disorder) recovery, but I keep having the urge to write & share more, so here are some thoughts I’ve had lately on body image:
If you know me, you know that I’ve loved hiking mountains since I was young. This picture is from Roxyann Peak, a short(ish) hike near my house in Oregon. I remember hiking it as a 14 year old with friends when my only concern was the bobcats as we descended in the dark after sunset. I remember biking up it as a 16 year old early in the morning before school around the time I started waging a war against my own body.
For a handful of years, that’s what it was— a war. I was deeply dissatisfied with my body and fiercely determined to change it. I didn’t recognize it at the time but a new voice, not my own, started to sabotage my brain and my life.
I call it the ED voice.
It told me that my current body was flawed and unacceptable.
It told me that smaller bodies are valued over larger ones.
It told me that I’m not healthy unless I’m thin.
It told me that I’ll never be accepted or loved if I’m fat.
I believed that voice. I accepted it as truth. I fell victim to its lies because society and many people around me spoke the *same* language. Here’s the thing: the ED voice did NOT go away. I hear it every single day. Sometimes it is loud and persistent. But now I know EXACTLY what it sounds like and I am way beyond feeding that fire. Now, I call it out. I tell it to go to h*ll.
And I keep hiking.
Rebelliously.
Defiantly.
Compassionately.
One of my favorite posts on body image says:
I believed that voice. I accepted it as truth. I fell victim to its lies because society and many people around me spoke the *same* language. Here’s the thing: the ED voice did NOT go away. I hear it every single day. Sometimes it is loud and persistent. But now I know EXACTLY what it sounds like and I am way beyond feeding that fire. Now, I call it out. I tell it to go to h*ll.
And I keep hiking.
Rebelliously.
Defiantly.
Compassionately.
One of my favorite posts on body image says:
"It can feel unrealistic to go from “I hate my body” to “I love my body”. Start with: I HAVE A BODY."
That was my starting point. For years, the ED voice tried to distract me from the true miracle of hiking RoxyAnn Peak—the fact that my legs and lungs and heart were carrying me up a freaking MOUNTAIN—and get me to subscribe to the relentless, destructive dialogue of body shame.
You don’t have to subscribe to it.
You don’t have to believe it.
You are so much more than your body size or shape.
Next time your “ED voice” starts talking, be rebellious.
Be defiant.
Be compassionate.
And keep hiking.
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Here are some resources on body image:
(I highly recommend following the links to read the whole captions)
I want to take a second to address the weight loss conversation. It's easy to assume that when people talk about positive body image and HAES (health at every size) that they're anti-weight loss. That’s not the case. Here are a few posts to address that:
I got this question from a friend a while back. “How can I be okay with weight gain?”
This is a great post to answer that:
As always, I’m an open book if anyone has questions!
I’m grateful for a space that allows me to share some of the vulnerability and the pain as well as the strength and healing I’ve gained in recovery.
Love,
Christine
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